Doesn't it feel strange beginning a new year in the dead of winter?

Everything is just all bare and empty everywhere. Like the world has just been stripped of all wonderful things. My fingers and nose always ache around this time and it makes going outside sort of unbearable. I also begin to hibernate. I always start to relate with being a bear in this season. I want to sleep and just in general I'm a complete grump. At the same time I'm anxious about all of this oppressive cold and the weird hue that the sun takes on, each and every day. I've already caught my first cold of the season and thankfully, since summer, if I get sick it lasts for only a very short while. I'm hoping that's a sign my immune system is kicking into gear after all these years. Well, the cold has been awful despite that. Fevers and things like that. But now it's finally drifting away and I'm just a little lacking in energy, more than usual that is.

Either way, colds or not it doesn't take away how barren winter really is. Then again, I've always felt that there's an unexpected safe place in emptiness and barren days, loneliness or solitude. Boredom, quietness. Those places are often where I find my beginnings. Sometimes I think that if you're just too full of things that you won't have any room to start anything new. How can you grow if you're already so large with moments?
So, I suppose as strange as it feels for new years to begin in the middle of all of this cold - it does make a whole lot of sense.
The quietness makes room for everything. That's why I feel it's really one of my favorite places. A place of no intrusion. No bright colors or busy sounds to distract me and make me curious. Only the time to sink down into myself, the way you sink down into bed. To wrap myself up in that heavy blanket, introspection and get ready to rifle through every moment and thought with only sleepy clarity to guide me. The way you could only do with your most favorite book, when you're all hazy from taking a hot bath and can't keep your eyes open anymore.

At least, that's what I can hope for. But this winter and new year is turning out to follow in the path of 2011. It's full of business and things! I never thought it was true what my mom always tried to repeat to me when I said I couldn't wait to be grown up. That it wasn't true at all, because when you grow up everything goes so much faster. I should enjoy how slow it all felt.
Now I feel like I would give anything for things to slow down and have some time for some silence.

Instead, here I am rambling in place of my New Years wishes! I had been trying very hard to make a post before the year ended and missed it all together.
So instead I decided on the sixth, since it's the anniversary for my livejournal. Nine years, can you really believe it? I can and I only hope I've managed to bring myself together a little bit! (Though the truth is, I'm just as uncontrollable and odd as I've always been. I guess there are things you can't change about yourself no matter how much you try. They're just stuck there.) I've just managed to hide it away where it won't be as noticeable to poor by-standers though.

I don't have much to say about 2011 as a whole. It's actually been really.. exhausting. Like nothing else ever has. I think it made me feel more emotionally thin than ever before. I can't pin-point any one moment. Only that there have been so many of them and some days I just feel like a zombie, pulling through my days as best as I can.
Though there were a great deal of beautiful things to be remembered. I was able to travel, which is my highest aim for any year. And which also meant lots of being a foodie and trying delicious new things. Also, for the first time getting to play family and do a lot of therapeutic cooking.

I've also learned a bit about dragging yourself through the mud to get you and the people you love on to tomorrow. I've worried at times that it's made me harder, or even more neurotic. I never really wanted to be a fighter but there are some things worth fighting through, no matter how you come out the other side. I've really learned the merit of hard determination and using your head. I only just hope I can keep hold of the warm things, too. Because it would all be pointless without it.


And so I've pulled myself to the new year and here we are! I still don't believe much in resolutions, only because I don't like the idea of lying to myself. If I'm going to do it, then I'll get it done when the time comes. Also, life has a way of just happening and ruining all of our best laid plans. It's more exciting to just run with it. Exhilarating even!
Home life has been difficult for the past year or two but I am certainly fighting to make sure that I do whatever I can to build myself and the people I love a bright future.
I finally have a nice, stable job! So it will be a blessing to have my own money coming in. And I hope it will feel good to be busy at something that keeps my mind going, even if it isn't at exciting or engaging as I would like. We all have to start somewhere!
Though that seems to be the only goal at my feet. As usual, the rest is open road - some way or another. I'm sort of walking into an empty space and all I can hope for is that I create something nice this year, something beautiful and fulfilling and whole. Because it's really the only thing I want. This year, I think I would be happy if things could be warm. And that I'll be able to create something worth adding to the world. Something lovely to fill up all of this emptiness. Not just mine.. but everyone's.

Also, maybe this will encourage me to post more often! Though it's likely just to cooking, clothes and cats by Christina.

Happy New Year!

Almost every post on my friends list, almost every person I've spoken too. Everyone has the same thing to say. Good ridden 2009.

Despite all of the misery last year seems to have brought around... everyone has the hope that this year will be better. I'm just another person in the long line of those who have had what felt like a really tough year. I've always felt like a pretty lucky person. Even when things go bad, I'm the type that's willing to see it as nothing else but a part of the journey. This year was definitely a test at that! Around every corner it felt like I didn't want to keep on. The things I've depended on the most in the past became things that I couldn't depend on no matter how hard I tried. But I found out that there are things I can depend on that I had never expected! For once I didn't have the chance to say 'I'll be strong by myself because there isn't any other choice.'
It was really nice not be given the choice to be on my own. I think all people have the selfish desire, even if its just once, to be given a helping hand when we feel like we're down and we cant get back up. Even if this year was a hard test, painful, and confusing... I really feel like I was given the gift of help. It means a lot not to have had to go through it all on my own this time around. Maybe it makes me weaker, a little less self sufficient. I'm willing to make that trade for just a little while.

I'm going to keep on with the tradition of not making resolutions. I like not knowing what will happen in the coming years. I know bad moments and good ones will always be there. We just have to take them as they come and realize that one moment isn't really any better than another, its just what you get out of it. We'll all go into this year a little worse for wear I think... A year older, things get harder, we get harder.

So my only request is that none of you forget to stay young at heart and realize there's something deeper to be found in all of your moments. Even the really fucking horrible awful make-this-all-go-away-right-now moments. It wont make them any better, they'll still be there and be the worst. But... you made it through them, didn't you?

I really hope all of my friends can feel stronger, more alive, and determined in the years to come.
And I hope that when you guys cant (Because let's face it... there comes points when ALL of us feel like we cant. And that's most the time, I think. At least it is for me!) You don't have to do it alone. Even if it feels like you have to struggle by yourself for a little while... I think everyone will get the chance to feel like someone is going to pull them up by the hand. Not because you aren't strong, not because you're a burden. But because you're human and lovely and you deserve it. And maybe you'll be able to give it back to someone when they need that hand too.


I love you all. Not everything will be perfect but as long as you're willing to keep on, it's going to be worth it.
Don't give up. ♥

Gonna be in Chicago~
Love you guys!

I decided on a whim to do a 100 books reading project. That way I can fail marvelously!
I figure even if I don't complete it, it may as well push me to actually getting some more reading done and improving my collection of literature. So its win-win! Plus, its fun and I love starting new projects and never finishing them. (Proof being I currently have one wall painted in my room, so it is all splotches of white and purple. I just haven't gotten around to doing the second coat yet... or the other walls. Sigh.)
Anyways, I had no problem at all sitting down and slamming out a list of 80 books. I figured with the last twenty I would just go book browsing and see what caught my attention. But then I thought - friends list!
All of you are smarties and love reading and have amazing taste! So recommend books for me to add to the final twenty if you could! Favorite books, books you think just have to be read, or just something you like or I would like for that matter (I love history, mythology, fiction, psychology, philosophy, romance, classics, fairy-tales ...actually I'm completely unpicky!) My mind is...kind of exhausted trying to think of anymore at this point - so!
Give me ideas lovelies, please please!

( The List )
The last twenty are up in the air. I keep getting the nagging feeling I'm leaving out some really great things. Books that just aren't coming to mind! Granted, there is a lot of classics and really great books I have already read. But still!
Suggest suggest suggest, darlings!

Edit: Finished! Thank you lovelies! <3 I can finally get started now!


Oh, and randomly its getting to be summer and its so LOVELY out and it smells nice because there are flowers and greenery and I love it. I plan to buy a hammock at some point and just take afternoon naps in the yard. How can I not!? Plus I need a little sun anyways, god knows I'm insanely pale. Not that I mind - I actually think pale is pretty.  UM. I can't think of anything else important. Had a slight spiritual breakthrough a few days ago that was really weird idk.

and there are bugs everywhere I hate them. Off to be lazy and useless now! ♥ 
omg and i swear ill get to replying to comments at some point guys. :( I seriously just have a one track mind.


(ALSO I HAVE WIZARD OF OZ ICONS why didn't this happen 424234234234 years ago. My delight knows no bounds)

The tiny things that give me joy.

( this is life )

It's sad I feel like these pictures could sum up my life if only there was a picture of a book!
Oh, I also spent the afternoon outside in the dirt making flowers look pretty and cleaning things up. I think it helped me feel weirdly, a little less lost.

I just wanted to make a post and thank all of you for you sweet get-better wishes. It meant the world and it definitely helped in making me feel better while I was buried in tissues! ♥ Each one of you really brought me a smile.

I am definitely in much better health now, if not a little tired at times while my body recovers. Also, maybe a little bit annoyed that the doctor took my money and ended up mis-diagnosing me! Turns out I had an upper respiratory flu as well as a bit of a stomach virus! It was actually pretty scary at the time but a bit of rest and pampering made me feel better in the end! I feel really appreciative to Ruki and my mom for fussing over me for so long. Though really bad for putting them through all of my complaining!

Now that I am better I have been hit by the usual restlessness. The sort that usually ends up making me want to go on long walks or travel great distances or have intense, deep conversations with people until my mind cannot even function in the slightest.
Unfortunately, things have been rather quiet and so I'm afraid its only manifested in me becoming fairly neurotic about small things. There are so many people I wish to converse with and so many things I want to talk about. Yet, sometimes during the day I find myself wanting nothing more then to be left alone to read about new ideals or take long naps. It's as if I cant decide if I want to reflect or to completely immerse myself in outside activity. I kind of wish I could find a balance of both. However, when I want to feel alone I find myself at the mercy of superficial conversation. And when I want to converse, there isn't a soul around.

I'm sincerely hoping that spring will cheer me up and give me the opportunity to release some tension! I'm really intent on gardening this year no matter what. It's so relaxing and brings me so much happiness. Even if I've never really inherited the green thumb from my Great Grandmother. It's still fun to try!

I guess to sum things up, I want to do everything. I sincerely just want to connect with someone right now in whatever way possible. Which I guess can make me seem a bit insane and uncontrollable. At the same time, I believe moments like these are what create new adventures and bring a bold sense of self.

In any case! Things have been well and I really shouldn't complain at all. In the end its more of a feeling that 'I want to become more completely me' and in that, I think restlessness has been born.
I'm really overjoyed about the weather lately. It's bright and the birds are singing. I'm most certainly feeling more alive! Despite stresses I have a lot of things to look forward to. And really, thinking of it now, any stresses I am facing right now are just exciting challenges to keep me from getting bored.
Also, my hair has been beautiful and well behaved lately. It makes me very glad!

It does seem I've gotten carried away. I should ramble like this in my private journal but I feel like this time, all of this is an important part of who I am and shouldn't be hidden away. I think one begins to reach a certain age when hiding just isn't an option anymore. We genuinely must be ourselves in whatever way possible. Anything else would only be a lie and not a very considerate one, at that.

Anyways, in the end I wanted to thank everyone for their wishes and for their patience with me. I must admit I have been feeling the weight that I don't do nearly enough for my friends that I should. I sincerely hope I can improve myself in that aspect and bring everyone as much happiness as they bring me. I'm sending a million kisses forever!

Allo everyone this is XTina's friend Ruki posting for her. She's very ill currently and thus hasn't been online. The doctor said she has the flu and is now on medication. Hopefully she'll be better very soon and will return to the land of the interweb. Until then make sure to leave lots of nice messages for her!

visiting -> homoerotic for a week or two.
Just so it doesn't seem like I quietly died.

Sorry to anyone I haven't gotten a chance to reply to! >w< I'll do it while I'm there or once I get back. Kisses!

Happy New Year, Darlings~

I should say something useful but I'm rather sleepy and feeling vague today!
I can only hope that I'll overcome this years hardships with just as much, if not more strength of the past years.
And that I'll experience the joys full force. I also look forward to all of the new friends I'll come to know and hopefully strengthen the ones I have.
I hope I get to see lots of new places and do new things, I want to have a lot of memories to look back on a year from now - no matter what they are.

Also, five more days and this journal will be seven years old. I feel dangerously committed, guys~!

I really hope I can grow a lot as a person this year.

I want to become

unstoppable


I love you all so much! ♥

Merri Kurisumaonyan!

Myself and the cat are covered in sparkles. It's delightful. But I'm so exhausted!

Since its...

( tradition )

I hope everyone has beautiful holidays. I love you all~ ♥

Free handbags

Because its totally the kind of thing all of you darlings on my friend list would be interested in.
FREE SHINY THINGS. ♥ Plus I'm a whore for winning.

Also, oh my god my book situation is getting out of hand. I have like 1243424 new books. WHAT TO DOOO. *reads furiously*

It doesn't help I went shopping yesterday and splurged on outrageously expensive sweaters, new scarves, necklaces, ect. But Autumn calls for me to be a wasteful thing with money. You only live once! Why not live it in fantastic, warm, soft sweaters? Exactly.

The only downfall is that I shall soon drown in the excess of items that fill up such a small space. :( So cleaning attacks will begin soon, donating, ect.

I also know my entire self is out of whack when things are to this level of clutter. Sigh! Work in progress time to get organized. I can do it!

Kisses!

( Fanclub card~ )

Also violin has been fabulously enjoyable.
My levels of in depth conversation lately are remarkable. ♥

Oh, and books have been overflowing everywhere in my room. Ahhh! But I can't stop. Bookmooch is so useful! I can't keep up with all the things I need to read. `w`/

Just remembered! I am planning on changing my LiveJournal name soon. I've been planning it for about half a year now but I keep spending the money. I just can't decide between 'Bibliophilian' (I'm so surprised no one has kidnapped this yet...) and 'laballade'. The second is much prettier but the first might be more accurate.

That's all!

Uhyuuu~!

( flowers )

Also, I'm not used to so much attention for my birthday. I'm just like "Ahhh!"
But! Legal tomorrow! I want to get drunk sooooo~n. Where are all of my drinking buddies when I need them!?

I shouldn't be doing these but they keep me amusseedd~!

1. Go to www.flickr.com.
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box.
3. Use only the first page.
4. Copy and paste for the answer.

( Picture Meme )

( Who said I'm impractical? )

Also I am finally getting over being sick after about two weeks! Thank goodness!
It somehow managed to progress from drinking too much, to a cold, to coughing, to a sinus infection, to more coughing, to an ear infection after camping, to more coughing and chest pains. And finally PMS!
Thinking about being sick for so long makes me want to just drink orange juice for the rest of my life. :)

I'm awfully excited to get my energy back and get to doing things! After being on the go for two, almost three weeks - sitting still seems really difficult!

On a plus this means catching up on reading! Though instead of my book piles decreasing they seem to get taller and taller.


Also,

( short picture spam )

ALSO. I wish I would have seen 崖の上のポニョ while I was there because the theme song is going to be stuck in my head FOREVER.


I'm happy to post, as well.
It makes me really happy to write although I feel like I should be writing more. As well as things more in depth. But its become a little hard to type things like that, because I will be feeling them for a moment and then usually they go away.

So, all I can really say is...I'm really excited for the future!
I feel strange because I never outwardly seem to act afraid or worried - even though I feel that way a lot of the time.
Staying positive when I can, though. It in turn makes me feel more confident in myself. I keep trying to believe that I am capable of anything.
So! I'm going to do my best.

Let's all keep cheering!


Kisses!